The importance of double checking my math.

Toddler T is upstairs sleeping and I was just taking a minute to plan out my day tomorrow. It looks a little like this:

7am- bloodwork and ultrasound

9am- Tumble Bears

10:30-1:30 - Toddler T to Nanny's house so I can clean the house top to bottom

4pm- MOMS meeting at my house.

This all looked doable until I reviewed my medication inventory. Currently, I take 3 vials of Bravelle and 1 vial of Menopur along with the microdose Lupron, two times a day. For my dose tomorrow morning, I have 2 vials of Bravelle and 1 of Menopur. So, I'm short 1 vial of medication for my morning dose. CRAP. Math was never my thing. Ever.

Ok self- don't panic. I should be able to swing by the pharmacy after my early morning appointment. The one I made super early so that I could get back in time to take Toddler T to Tumble Bears. Right, well the pharmacy doesn't open until 8:30am. So I am getting up at the crack of dawn to rush to an appointment to sit and wait at a pharmacy and in the end will miss Tumble Bears.

Is this life shattering? No.

Irritating? Yes.

On the one hand, thank God for modern medicine. Without this specialty field of Reproductive Endocrinology, I have no idea if I'd be able to conceive a viable pregnancy. So I am forever grateful.  But it is with a heavy heart that I walk through these steps of IVF.  I continue to battle the idea of logically understanding the process but struggling emotionally with what that means. 

Looking back, I was so lucky with Toddler T. Mr. T and I even kept my pregnancy a secret for 12 weeks. It was our seceret and that was a special thing to share. We knew what our plan was (I'm guessing others suspected)  and I even drank mocktails at a coworkers' wedding so that no one suspected a thing.  Now, everything is medicinal. I am following a care plan to conceive. I hope I'm not coming across as bitter and ungrateful, I am just sad to be losing the innocence and privacy of creating a child. 

I can hear some of you thinking....

BUT YOU STARTED A BLOG

YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT THIS TO YOURSELF, IF PRIVACY IS WHAT YOU ARE AFTER.

And you would be correct.  I did and I have no regrets of blogging AND sharing the link with family and friends. Why? This is so far from where I ever thought I'd be. The switch from a private affair between husband and wife was flipped with my second ectopic pregnancy. All of the rules changed and I suddenly had ZERO desire to keep this private. I think in sharing, some of the weight was lifted off my shoulders. But that's not to say, that if I could have had it my way..... Well, you'd never even know we were 'trying'.

Hello Lupron

How I've missed your dull headaches.

I can only hope that I avoid the dreaded 3am hot flashes, the ones that were so hideous, that I found myself drenched with sweat and feeling trapped in the Sahara several times throughout the night.  I'm told that the microdose Lupron will be much more tolerable.  It's a diluted version of regular Lupron and the hope is that my body isn't suppressed to the point of not responding to the stimulation medications this go around. Less suppression = less feeling like I'm in early menopause.

Bravelle and Menopur, I did forget your burn. Good to see you both again.

Doxycycline, you can't fool me twice. I will never again take you on an empty stomach.

Burn, give me a headache, make me nauseous and throw in a few bruises.... But 

DO YOUR JOB!

That is all.

Mrs. T

Running Late and Chocolate Cake

I woke up and it was light out. 

LIGHT OUT.

Why is that a problem?

Well, its only a problem if you are supposed to be at the baby lab at 7:30am. AND said baby lab is approximately 45 minutes from your house. AND its the winter and it should be dark if you are waking up at 6am.  But no, it was light out, because I was LATE. I am never LATE. In my world, LATE is a four letter word.

I had to call the office. I was mortified. I mean who oversleeps on a day that her IVF cycle is officially starting. I actually said, "My alarm didn't go off". The nurse responded, "Well, we are very busy." My stomach flipped over. 

In the end, I got there when I got there and no one gave me the side eye. Blood draw was excellent. ( I drank tons of water). The ultrasound was well, an ultrasound. For those of you doing fertility treatments... you know how they are. I did appreciate when the nurse introduced herself and said, I'm Nurse Curly Hair... As If we'd never crossed path's before.  I remembered her very clearly from when I was a sobbing mess of a patient, on the table,who just realized her IVF cycle was being cancelled. Clearly, she made more an impression on me, than I on her. 

Sobbing girl who can't get pregnant, Sigh, Next.

But that was the past, today is a new day. I got my calendar. I start injections tomorrow. Lupron, Bravelle and Menopur 2 times a day. Mr T and I will also begin taking our antibiotics in preparation for the retrieval.  I got a little giddy when I saw HCG and Retrieval written on the calendar. Giddy but then the floor fell out from under me. The funny thing is, I can't even blame the drugs for these crazy fluctuations in my thought process, because I haven't even started them yet. But no sooner was I excited about getting started, was I filled with dread that it wouldn't work. 

I asked the nurse, "Is this going to work?"

Seriously?

She can't answer that with any validity.

I know that.

But I asked anyway.

Her answer was awesome. "It worked last time. We just want more eggs this time."

Thank you. 

From my appointment I headed to the pharmacy. I felt like a veteran. I ordered only enough meds to get me to my next appointment. But then an odd thing happened. I saw the husband of a patient I had just seen in the waiting room of our clinic. Do I smile? Do I acknowledge that we just came from a place full of mixed emotions? Does he think we are united in our membership of this club? 

So, I smiled. And moved on. 

I came home and unloaded and organized all of my medications. Pulled some of the leftover supplies out of the closet and dusted them off. My sharps container is next to Clorox wipes and on the same shelf as Toddler T's bubbles. Three items in my home, that for very important and different reasons, need to stay out of his hands. 

So today was a good day. Here is a brief summary:

Cleared to start injections. (Yeah, twice-daily injections with two different needles.)

Toddler T accompanied me on a morning's worth of errands in BIG-BOY underwear.

Toddler T kept said underwear DRY.

I scored a $369 car seat for $190. 

I just finished eating a large piece of chocolate cake.

Sometimes, Its the little things.

It happened.....

I had my first viceral reaction to a pregnancy announcement.

It was via a Facebook status update. (The announcement, not my reaction.)

I am not close at all to the girl.

I got to simply make a colorful statement to Mr. T and then move on. Well, blog about it. Then move on.

I immediatly felt guilty for my reaction.

Then I was angry over the last 12 months.

Then I was scared again.

Then I realized,  pity parties are no fun. There are no goodie bags, no delicious cake, no one makes a toast in your honor. (But there is wine!)

I can honestly say that I have not spent too much time dwelling on the "why me" moments. But once in a while, they sneak up on me. Just like an unexpected status update. The problem is, I'm not angry that someone else is pregnant. I'm sad that its not me. 

If I had to anyalyze (OK, twist my arm), my working theory would be this, as the stimulation phase of this cycle comes closer, I am hypersensitve and my anxiety is rising.  The idea of actually being pregnant with a viable pregnancy is SO close. I need to focus on the positive. This can happen. 

But damnit if there is not a little, tiny voice that says, It will be your turn soon. You deserve it.

A Rainbow Baby

Have you heard of this term? 

I have. In fact, I follow a blog with this term right in her blog title.

But, I have a confession.

I never understood what it meant. 

I didn't take too much time to investigate, because I never felt like I fit into this world of infertility. 

I assumed it had to do with the beauty that is a baby.

Today, I got the most beautiful message sent to me from a friend, who paid her dues to the infertility club. She is on the other side and the proud mother of twins. 

Here it is:

This made me think of you...you will have your rainbow baby...one day:

Rainbow Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope."

I felt like an idiot for never having investigated the term. It is the most perfect way to sum up the last 12 months. We have been through a storm. Two, if I am being technical.  I'm not quite sure that the pain of these experiences will ever go away in their entierty. I am sure, that this pain will change form. I am sure that it will move to the background a little more everyday.  It will become a little more dull and less sharp.  

Throughout the past 12 months, I have felt ravaged, physically and emotionally. There have been days when I have been full of hope and days where I make peace with being a family of three. What this quote does, is pay tribute to the road many of us have found ourselves traveling while looking to the promise of the future. 

While I wait for my rainbow baby, I am strengthened by our friends and family. They have stepped in to provide the sunshine and hope when I feel dark and scared. 

Rainbow baby, we are waiting with open arms.   

The Daily Minutiae

minutiaeplural of mi·nu·ti·ae

Noun:       Trivial details of something

Potty Training: in pull-up purgatory. Toddler T finds sitting on the potty less enthraling, so underwear have been replaced by pull-ups. Diapers are no longer acceptable to him so we are playing a waiting game. But, I'm ok with it. 

Existentialist Crisis: Over. Why? Several reasons. 

1. Just by writing my thoughts down, I felt less jumbled.
2. I recevied many messages both public and private about the idea that God does not hand you more than you can handle, regardless of how it winds up in your lap or in my case, uterus. I found this comforting and a good dose of reality. 
3. Mr. T spent an overnight at a man baby shower. I can assure you, no one was writing down the dad's suspected weight, or measuring his stomach.  In reality, it was a last hurrah for him, as this man-shower also coincided with playoff games.  None of that is important. What is important is that several of the attendees where dad's of multiplies via IVF.  They got to share their perspectives and that was much appreciated.
4. I am excited. One, Two.. I'm ok with either.  I am just ready to get to the point where I am pregnant. I am ready to think about names, and baby clothes and Christmas Cards and all those other things that pop into your mind when you are pregnant.

Weekend Agenda:

Friday: Aquarium!! Mommy, Daddy and Toddler T Day!!!  Followed by, dinner at a new Mexican Restaraunt (Just Mr. T and I.  So excited. Dinner, Adult conversation and a margarita!

Saturday: Entertaining our friends' girls while the parents pack up their home for an upcoming move. It is true, the more the merrier. A whole morning can sail by when Toddler T has a few pals to keep his attention.

Sunday: Playoffs... a few more weeks and then football is behind us.

But the best of all- Next Friday will be here before I know it and that is my FIRST monitoring appointment to see if I can go ahead with the stimulation meds for IVF 1.5!

Pulling the Higher Power card

There has been a facet of infertility treatment that has always been ironic to me.  I have always been intrigued by how people can use religion to justify or condemn infertility treatments. More so, I am really intrigued when people may use religion to justify or condemn portions of infertility treatments. Religion and the treatment of infertility have one thing in common, they are filled with grey areas that can be open for personal choice.

Why the religious focus today?  Today, I am grappling with choice versus higher power.

When Mr. T and I envisioned our family we always looked at 2 kids/2 parents. It seemed like a good fit. Occasionally, I thought about 3 kids/2 parents but never felt strongly about it.  So, we fell into the idea that we would be a 2/2 family. Man-to-man defense as opposed to Zone Defense. It worked for us. When we started meeting with Dr. Specialist, he assured us that at my age coupled with the current standards of care in IVF, we would be looking at a single embryo transfer. This made sense. 2/2 family and we are happy. Then, the cycle was cancelled, my AMH was ridiculously low for a girl my age and I've been labeled a 'poor responder'. Dr. Specialist changes his recommendation and talks of a 2 embryo transfer.

This is where everything gets murky.

Twins run in both our families. I even joked when I was pregnant with Toddler T, that it must be twins. I looked like I was carrying quads. But, no.. just one little/big boy. After he arrived, Mr. T and I felt relieved that we had been given one at a time. But now, I'm that much older, we are paying out of pocket and I hear myself saying things like "Lots of people have twins."

Now it is murkier.

I believe in religion and faith. I do believe that there were lessons to learn this past year. Perhaps, Mr. T and I are going to be better parents if our children are further apart in age and someone up there knew that.  This belief has made the past year bearable. But then, I got off the higher power train and met with Dr. Specialist. IVF is medical and scientific. From a religious standpoint, you could argue that God provided individuals with the talent, intellect and determination to become a doctor who specializes in infertility.  Therefore, we are just taking a detour to get to the final destination in God's plan.

But how much is too much? How much control should we have?  Because I am in the middle of what I have always found to be ironic. I have heard Infamous Multiple Moms say the same thing over and over and over.  Usually something like, "Well it was god's plan for us to have 8, 6, 5 kids at once."  But really, was it? Did God plan for us to have this much control?  

How can an individual talk about the unpleasant sides of IVF (read: selective reduction) with religious fire?  How can one claim that reduction is immoral or not God's will, when many religions teach that birth control or any type of infertility treatment is immoral? So, it is ok to break religious views to get pregnant.. but not ok to really struggle with carrying multiples?

If I were to have gotten pregnant, on my own, with twins or above. It would have been what it was. It's not like I would have left the other at the hospital and said, "No, sorry, we didn't sign up for two."  But here, we are being asked to do just that. Sign up for something that we had always wondered if it was too much.

I'm not sure I have any answers. It is a challenging discussion to have internally, let alone with other people. I have always thrived in a black and white enviornment and have struggled in the grey. I know that while I don't know the total plan or how much say I'm supposed to have in it,  Mr. T and I will try to make the safest and most reasonable decisions for our family.  And whether we continue to use man to man or make the switch to zone defense, we'll be just fine.