Monday, July 23, 2012

This heat will be the end of me.

I am sure of it. 
I am not the only one.
Something happens to Toddler T when the temperature reaches 95+.
He can't walk.
He can't play.
He can't stand to be outside.

It's true... He says, "Mommy, carry me. It's so hot my legs don't work."
He turns beet red and begins to sweat profusely.
He's even walked out of my friends' backyards and attempted to let himself in through their patio doors, exclaiming.. "It's too hot. I'm all done playing outside."

Want to know a secret?  I'm totally with him.

I am not a heatwave kind of girl. The exception to this is if I am in a sand chair, with my feet in the edge of the ocean with a nice drink in my hand. Then I can handle about 12+ hours of the sun. But, walking around and attempting to act like being at a park in the full sun is a good idea, is not for me.

(As a side note, the TV is on right now. The weather clip for the 11pm news just came on and our weatherman just warned of triple digit temperatures headed our way.) 


In other news (so as not to sound like an 88 year old grandmother). Toddler T had his 3 year old checkup last week. All was great, except the strangest interaction with the nurse. She brought us back to the exam room and I put Toddler T up on the table. Without warning or confirmation from me, the nurse looked right at him and in her best sing-songy, high-pitched voice asked Toddler T if he was so excited for his baby to come. I.almost.died.  He simply looked at her with a blank stare. I said "No." She looked at me like I was a crazy lady and I stammered.. "Yes, you are correct. But we haven't made him aware." She resumed looking at me like I was a crazy lady.

I get it. In most instances, siblings are told of a new baby around the time the the general public is made aware of this news. But our circumstances were different. I've already had two losses and spent 18 months caught up in the world of secondary infertility.  Not to mention, 9 months is a looooooong time.  I happen to have a very inquisitive child and I could not imagine him having to process a sibling for so long. To put it into perspective, on Wednesday, I told him we were going to a birthday party on Sunday. He woke up every morning and after every nap and asked me if it was time to go to the birthday party. I simply couldn't imagine dealing with that level of enthusiasm when I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that this might just work out.

So, no. He doesn't know. Our plan is to tell him around 20 weeks and give him the big picture.  I ran this by his doctor and he thought it was a fine idea. 

Pregnancy-wise, I will go for blood work tomorrow morning. This will be the blood work portion of the Nuchal Translucency Screening. Since I opted for the CVS and that did not rule out spina bifida, this blood work will help to tell us our odds. I am feeling confidant, since we had such a low risk with Toddler T and the CVS came back all clear.  Then back to the OB next week for my 16 week checkup at 17 weeks 4 days.  (I'm a little off on synching my appointments with my actual weeks.)

Until then, I will be hiding out in the air conditioning or at the kiddie pool of the YMCA. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Revisiting Accupuncture

So, after about two weeks of feeling like I had a post-migraine hangover, sore ankles and exhaustion, I realized it was time to address this overall feeling of exhausted-blah.  Last night after dinner, I went back to see Kelly, my acupuncturist. I gave a run down of my (in all reality, trivial) symptoms and off she went. It was 30 minutes of heaven and I forgot just how much I love lying there looking like a pin cushion. 

Ironically, she had to end my session a few minutes early, because the room needed to be turned over for the pre-natal yoga class. I never really paid much attention to exercise when pregnant with Toddler T, but I'm thinking I may rethink that approach this time around.

I can report that I slept better last night, than I did in two weeks. I'm not feeling blah today, but there is also no humidity.  I think, I may keep acupuncture in the rotation for a little while longer. It just feels good.

I even had enough energy to start making some baked goods for a party we are going to this weekend. Currently in the oven are; Chocolate Chip- Reese's Cup-Brownies.  Up next, are red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting, vanilla cupcakes with chocolate butter cream frosting and these amazing pretzel, rolo, m&m things.  It feels good to be doing something I really enjoy, and I'm not even too upset that I really can't eat anything I make.

Although, the smell coming from my kitchen is pretty wonderful.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Sending out and SOS

I need to find my energy level. And I need to find it now.

This is just getting ridiculous.
True, we just ended an 11 day streak of near 100 degree temperature with humidity at about 900%.
And, I am keeping up with Toddler T at the pool, park, whatever.
And, he is waking around 2am every night to tell me he has to go to the bathroom.

BUT, Seriously.

I cannot seem to function much past 9pm. I fall asleep on the couch every.single.night. I pray to God on a daily basis that of all the big boy things Toddler T wants to do, dropping his nap is not one of them.  Also, if I read in one more book, that by the second trimester, I'll be feeling a flood of energy... I might scream. 

I think I am getting an idea of what I might be like at 75. Shuffle around the house in the middle of the night. Nap at noon and Bed by 9.  

Well, that's it for now... I'm going to try and close my eyes for a little while until I hear the pitter patter of little feet that announce to my near comatose brain that nap time is over!

PS- my feet have begun to swell.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Ending one chapter.

Months ago, I was agonizing about the idea of having multiples. Mr. T and I had openly discussed our preference of being the parents to two healthy children. We would use man to man defense and just go on about our lives.   Little did I know, that about 2 weeks after I posted that entry, I would be practically on my knees begging to God for the opportunity to have another baby or babies. I didn't care and would take whatever I was given. My feelings on this haven't changed. In the end, we are so very lucky to be one step closer to fulfilling our dream of being a family of four. Which is why, the conversation I had with one of the doctors last week should NOT have caused me to get emotional. 

Let's backtrack. I had an appointment with the doctor that was recommended by Dr. Compassion. I've heard wonderful things about her and was excited to finally get to meet her. She was bubbly and warm and had great things to say about Dr. Compassion. I also felt like she 'got' some of my emotional roller coaster with going through IVF and the cancellations and the surgeries and all of it. Turns out, she did 'get' it. She is parent to two adopted girls. She travelled the same path of infertility and endured several unsuccessful IVF attempts. Just hearing her share that, meant a great deal to me.

She reviewed my history and asked if Dr. Compassion had ever discussed the idea of removing my left tube. I said no, because it was scarred over and we were doing IVF anyway. I have no idea why the next sentence poured out of my mouth, but it went a little something like this. "To be honest, we are complete with this pregnancy. But, I'd never rule anything out and who know, maybe we'd have the crazy-against-all-odds story and wind up with a third." And she looked at me and paused. I then blurted out, "I'm having a hard time with the finality of this all,"  

And I had put it out there. I have had this sense of finality over the past few weeks. Regardless of the facts that Mr. T and I had always planned on two children and that I am carrying the crazy-against-all-odds-baby, I feel a small, tiny bit of sadness. Please, do not read this as greed or as intentionally being insensitive to anyone still fighting tooth and nail for a baby. I mean neither. This past week has been bittersweet. I am sailing through milestones and could not be anymore elated. I am also realizing that the decision has been made for us. Even if Mr. T and I sat down and said, "Yes, we both agree. We are done." It would feel different. I guess, maybe I am just a control freak and I like to have the final word and not feel like crappy circumstances have made the decision for me.

Control and I have a very complex relationship. Almost like a love-hate one. And this lack of control over my reproductive system has been a major blow to my overall psyche. Then on the flip side, I felt overwhelmed by having too much control with deciding on an embryo transfer. It has been like walking on a tightrope for the past 18 or so months.

The emotional roller coaster of infertility doesn't just end or go away. I am learning that the emotions are different now but still intense. I say all this, but through it all, the biggest thing I am feeling is gratitude. 

We both paused and I mulled through all of these thoughts and feelings in about 10 seconds, only to come out of my thoughts to see the doctor looking at me. And very kindly she said, " I would never take away a woman's fertility. This is not a conversation I would have lightly and I am the biggest believer in miracles. Yes, the stories happen. But, you will be a mother of two and a spontaneous pregnancy with a very scarred tube is not likely to have a good outcome."  I told her that I felt confidant that in the end, I'd give consent to have the remaining tube removed, but last week, it felt too final.