Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Well, It IS graduation season.

I'm pretty sure that I had the most unceremonious graduation day this morning. In fact, I'm sure of it. Why, because neither Dr. Compassion nor I realized it would be my last appointment until he was wrapping up my ultrasound.  So there I was, with a paper sheet, saying my goodbyes.

It was, odd.

I think the reason was a little scheduling miscommunication. Dr. Compassion assumed that my new OB would not want to see me until 10-12 weeks. He mentioned that he'd see me until 9 weeks and then I'd transfer over. Well, when I called to make my appointment with the new practice, the nurse wanted me in at 8 weeks. I couldn't get an appointment for my 8th week (this week), so she fit me in for next week at 9 weeks 3 days. This morning, I told Dr. C about my appointment and he said, "Well then, this is it! I don't need to crossover with your new doctor."

We then reviewed my testing plan. I'll be going ahead with the CVS testing in my 11th week with results by week 12. For all the bumps in the road we've had, I know that I'll need any bad news sooner rather than later. But, I was given a fantastic statistic this morning. Dr. C told me that I have a 2% chance of miscarriage at this point or a 98% chance of having a healthy pregnancy! It made me smile and relax a bit. 

Six weeks ago, I could not even let myself envision this day. I could only think about having more than one follicle to go to retrieval with. I could only think about the step immediately in front of me.  But in the tiniest part of my heart, I hoped for this day. I prayed that I would walk out with my grainy black and white picture of a little bean. It felt very surreal to have this happen. 

I then got my afternoon call from the nurse and was told to stop the Metformin and only one more week left of Crinone!! She also wished me a happy graduation day. I asked if Mr. T and I could stop by at a later date to give a more appropriate thanks and the nurse said that would be most appreciated. I have my gift all planned out. The card will read something like this "You've helped us get the sweetest reward, please enjoy." It will rest on large tray of baked goods. Who can pass up homemade treats?

Mr. T and I are entering a phase where the dreams we were scared to have, are slowly coming true.  So far, this pregnancy is going on the right course and Toddler T is all about his big boy underwear.  

Life is grand.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Getting Back to Toddler T

So, Toddler T will turn 3 in less than one month from today. 


When in the hell did that happen? 

I know I shouldn't be surprised, because he is every bit a three year old. He has very clear ideas about what he likes (Vanilla ice cream, plain - no sprinkles or Spaghetti, with or without sauce) and what he doesn't (iced tea, mushrooms and grill lines on hot dogs).

I've started to talk to him about his birthday and see what kind of party he wants. So far, its a party at a bounce house, a sprinkler party in the backyard, a party at the zoo, a gymnastics party or maybe a swimming party.  Mommy votes for a sprinkler party in the backyard!!  

He has mentioned a few things that he wants,  a ride on tractor, a ride on jeep, a tent, and a castle he can play in. Mr. T asked him if he wanted anything else and without missing a beat, he responded, "No, that will be all."  

Oh, ok.

He cracks me up. Which is good, because today was a day that I needed a laugh and a nap.

Here is a rundown:

11:15 - pick him up from nursery school and his teacher asks him to tell Mommy how his day was. He says great. I look at her and know he was telling tall tales. Turns out he was pushing his friends to get their toys and that lead him to a time out. Review with Toddler T the importance of listening and talk about going to the park, after his nap, IF he can listen to mommy.

12pm - He asks for another sandwich at lunch and I go into make it. While in the kitchen I hear "Mommy, come see."  NEVER GOOD.  He has dumped his water into his dish. I left to go get a paper towel and hear, "Mommy, I can do this."  I raced back to the table to see that he is waving the water filled dish over the table which causes all of the water to spill to the floor, with his fruit and some crusts.  Ughhhhhhh. We clean it up, together.

12:30 - I say, "Hey pal, let's try and go to the bathroom. Mommy is going to go. Do you want a turn." "Nope, I'm fine."

12:33 - "MOMMY, MY SHORTS ARE ALL WET."  Toddler T had peed and pooped in his shorts and his 'Big Boy Underwear."  Clean him up and take a deep breath.

12:40- paint spilled all over playroom floor. While talking about why we need to be careful with paint, Toddler T attempts to hit me. Time out commences. Melt down ensues. Remind Toddler T about going to the park if he can follow directions.

12:45- Crying continues, I move to the dining room to put the slipcovers back on the dining room chairs. Reminding myself that it is important to ignore bad behavior.  

12:50- Crying stops. I check on him. He is sitting on the floor in training pants, a t shirt and a football helmet. He says. "See, Mommy, I'm in my spot. Now, we can go to the park. But, my pants are wet. AGAIN"

12:51- Ask him to join me upstairs to get him cleaned up. A new meltdown over the need to be carried up the stairs, as his legs are not working. Remind  Toddler T about going to the park. Final warning. Crying continues. Park is cancelled. Toddler T goes directly through the roof. I make my way upstairs and the crying stops. 

1pm - For no reason whatsoever, the crying starts up again. I then realize that this situation is crazy. I start asking if his ears hurt, his throat, stomach...anything. He says no. Stops crying and asks to go to the park. The cries become a low sob and he agrees to read stories and sing our lullabies.

1:15 - Toddler T to bed, me to the couch.

4:30 - I wake up on the couch. Full of Panic, I check the monitor. Toddler T is still ASLEEP and continues to sleep until 5pm. 

I haven't had one of these days in a long, long time. I knew I was right in cancelling the park trip and can only hope that the next time I remind him to listen, he remembers this somewhat painful afternoon. I can also say that a 4 hour nap is not the norm for him, so maybe today just wasn't his day.

Hopefully, tomorrow is. We are attempting the park.

Monday, May 21, 2012

One Step Closer.

A while ago, I posted about graduation from the RE's office and leaving with that beautiful, little, black and white, grainy picture. Today, I am one cautious step closer. 

I received the first ultrasound picture of Tiny T. It is super-grainy but I had it and Dr. Compassion smiled when he printed it out for me.

For the most part, the brief appointment was good. I had a few questions about next steps and busted out my list.

How much longer to continue with the metformin and crinone (3-4 more weeks). 
Whether or not I should be carrying Toddler T around. (Yes, fine. No reason not too). 
I asked about when I should call the new OB/GYN. (Soon)

And then I got to the last one. 

About 5 months ago, Dr. casually told me that if I did wind up pregnant with my own eggs, I would need an amniocentesis to rule out any genetic abnormalities. The reason being, the discrepancy between my age (34) and the manner in which my reproductive system was carrying on (40+). Now, this may sound like sound advice. But, you need to understand, it was said in the same tone that one might order their dressing on the side at lunch. I was blindsided and discounted this recommendation immediately.

Back to my list of questions.

"So, Dr. C., a while back, my former RE suggested an amnio or CVS testing to rule out any genetic abnormalities. What are your thoughts on this?"

I fully expected him to say, "I'm confidant that you are responding like a 34 year old and aren't in need of this level of diagnostic testing."

What he said was. "Absolutely. Yes."

I was floored. 

So, I have the following options. Schedule the CVS testing between 10 and 11 weeks and receive notification of the results by 12 weeks. Or, schedule an amnio at 16 weeks and get results back around 18 weeks. We both agreed that given the fact that I have a child to think about, plus the emotional toll this past year has taken, it would be smarter to go for the CVS screening. 

This is what I mean by one step closer. This process has been a waiting game and I find myself with an additional hurdle to cross.  I am also praying for my luck to hold out. Everything I asked for has happened and I need one more thing to come through. 

But, in other news, Toddler T announced that he is not wearing diapers anymore. He was watching The Bubble Guppies while I made dinner. I came back to check on him and he was sitting on the couch wearing only his t-shirt. I asked him what had happened to his diaper and would he like to put it back on. He very clearly and without reservation said, "No,  Mommy. I am NOT wearing diapers anymore. I am ready for underwear."  

So here goes with that, again.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Checking Out

In the months following my miscarriages and the many months I waded through the waters of infertility treatment, I always thought I'd know how I would react to becoming pregnant. I had assumed that I would feel the exact same way as when I found out I was pregnant with Toddler T. I assumed that I would feel immediate relief, have a sense of peace about the health of the baby and my pregnancy and never cringe at a Baby's R Us circular.

I could not have been any more off in my thought process.

I do feel relief, but it is not the same type of relief as with Toddler T. With him, I was relieved to be PREGNANT. This time, I think my first reaction was relief to not have to go through anymore testing and procedures. I quickly followed that up with a strong feeling of guilt. I mean, who goes through hell and back and then is relieved to be able to stop treatments and not overjoyed that the ultimate goal has been reached? 

This past year has been one long mind game. I have obsessed, I have cried, I have pleaded, I have mourned and then in one phone call it ended and I felt relief and then flat. I hate that. I hate it more than anything. I hate that I cringed when someone asked me how I was feeling.  Poor thing, she was just trying to be sweet and concerned, but I reacted like a deer in headlights. It was if, I couldn't openly speak about this. That in talking about my pregnancy would be jinxing it.  I know that I have to end this mind game and take a deep breath.  I need to adopt the mantra, "Today, I am pregnant and everything is going well." I want to take heart in the fact that Dr. Compassion told me that I, "had passed all my major milestones." after we saw the heartbeat last week. I want to accept it. I want to sneak out to Babies R Us and pick up the Newborn Rock-N-Play. (In my opinion, it is so much better than a bouncy seat)

But there is this fear that is holding me back.  

And I'm not sure how to let it go.

I am 7 weeks pregnant. In my head, I will take a deep breath when I hit 12 weeks.  That seems reasonable, right? 

My apologies for checking out. I've been struggling and continued living like gypsie. The work in the T household continues and Toddler T and I needed to vacate while the fumes from the pretty hardwood floors dissipated.  The good thing is, there is no more fumes in the rest of the work we are doing, so I'm good to stay. I love my bed. I nicknamed it "The Cloud" And, I love my routine. So between my vagabond lifestyle and trying not to get to lost in my own head, I've checked out.

Tomorrow is another appointment with Dr. Compassion. Another ultrasound to check heartbeat and measurement and then maybe a plan to talk about graduation.  Crazy. All of it.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Refinished Hardwood Floors, Falling Down a Flight of Stairs and Taking it All In

I'm back.

It's been a whirlwind of a week. 

I apologize for leaving you all in the lurch last Saturday.

I did forewarn you that either way, it was going to be a lot to process.

So, without any further delay... Here is my recap.

I avoided every temptation to take a pregnancy test at home. I couldn't do it for two reasons. 1. We have paid out of pocket for everything for the past 3 cycles and I figured that it might be nice to save to $20 on a digital pregnancy test. 2. I was terrified of looking at a negative test. Last Sunday, I woke up and drove to the clinic, feeling completely flat. Mr. T was convinced it was going to work. I was not. I had noticed some weird things, feeling dizzy and really hungry, but I chalked it up to nerves. I had my blood drawn and drove home. As soon as I walked in the door, I realized I had all of this nervous energy and sitting in the house all day long wouldn't work. So, I announced to Mr. T that we needed HAD to get to Home Depot to research fencing for the backyard immediately. God Bless Mr. T, because he walked straight to the backyard and started measuring.

And then the phone rang.

It was 10am.

Normally, the calls came in at 12 on a weekend and 2 on a weekday.

I stumbled through a hello and could feel my heart beating in my ears. 

Truthfully, I cannot quote what the Nurse said. 

I just remember hearing the words "Congratulations!"

There was a quick discussion of what medications to keep taking and when I'd come back for repeat blood work and then we hung up.

I made my way out to the backyard and yelled "IT WORKED!"

In that moment, it became so clear to me just how much this past year hurt. Stress, sadness, fear, hopelessness all vanished as I realized we accomplished the ultimate goal. 

Mr. T and I then called our parents who dropped everything to come over for a celebratory Bar B Que.

( Oh, and we did go to Home Depot, looked at fencing but got a new sink and toilet for the power room instead!)

Then we began living like gypsies again. Mr. Earl our favorite handyman was back on Monday to refinish our floors and we stayed in 3 different houses over 4 nights.  It was while I was at my in-laws' house that I fell down a COMPLETE flight of stairs. My mother in law (a midwife) was pretty sure that I hadn't done any harm. I told the nurse the next morning in hopes that I might have gotten an early ultrasound but no dice. 

Which leads me to another reason for the big delay in posting. 

I knew, from my previous ectopic pregnancies, that 1 HCG number doesn't mean anything. So when I got the news on Sunday, I decided to wait until I got the second one to post. So, I went for my second blood draw and we discussed the first ultrasound. The nurse said that the doctor would be looking for a gestational sac and to confirm that it was in the right spot. I KNEW that the odds of this being ectopic were almost nil, but she said it, and then it was out there. I decided to wait until we had that last piece of information. 

OK, not to mention that there were a few people we needed to tell in person.

And, I hadn't fully thought this semi-private, semi-anonymous blog through. So, if you know me outside of my Mrs. T persona, let's just act like the girl you know is perfectly non-pregnant!

So here is where it is, I am officially 5 weeks 1 day pregnant with one little Tiny T as confirmed by my ultrasound this morning and 3 appropriately doubling HCG level.

Dr. Compassion put it best this morning when he said that he is happy where we are but are still taking everything one thing at a time. READ: Don't Haul Out All The Baby Gear Just Yet.

This is how I feel. I am taking it all in. I am delighted, my mind has quieted. I am hopeful. I am relieved but above all I am cautiously feeling all of these things.

It Worked!
Crazy, Right?