Sunday, May 20, 2012

Checking Out

In the months following my miscarriages and the many months I waded through the waters of infertility treatment, I always thought I'd know how I would react to becoming pregnant. I had assumed that I would feel the exact same way as when I found out I was pregnant with Toddler T. I assumed that I would feel immediate relief, have a sense of peace about the health of the baby and my pregnancy and never cringe at a Baby's R Us circular.

I could not have been any more off in my thought process.

I do feel relief, but it is not the same type of relief as with Toddler T. With him, I was relieved to be PREGNANT. This time, I think my first reaction was relief to not have to go through anymore testing and procedures. I quickly followed that up with a strong feeling of guilt. I mean, who goes through hell and back and then is relieved to be able to stop treatments and not overjoyed that the ultimate goal has been reached? 

This past year has been one long mind game. I have obsessed, I have cried, I have pleaded, I have mourned and then in one phone call it ended and I felt relief and then flat. I hate that. I hate it more than anything. I hate that I cringed when someone asked me how I was feeling.  Poor thing, she was just trying to be sweet and concerned, but I reacted like a deer in headlights. It was if, I couldn't openly speak about this. That in talking about my pregnancy would be jinxing it.  I know that I have to end this mind game and take a deep breath.  I need to adopt the mantra, "Today, I am pregnant and everything is going well." I want to take heart in the fact that Dr. Compassion told me that I, "had passed all my major milestones." after we saw the heartbeat last week. I want to accept it. I want to sneak out to Babies R Us and pick up the Newborn Rock-N-Play. (In my opinion, it is so much better than a bouncy seat)

But there is this fear that is holding me back.  

And I'm not sure how to let it go.

I am 7 weeks pregnant. In my head, I will take a deep breath when I hit 12 weeks.  That seems reasonable, right? 

My apologies for checking out. I've been struggling and continued living like gypsie. The work in the T household continues and Toddler T and I needed to vacate while the fumes from the pretty hardwood floors dissipated.  The good thing is, there is no more fumes in the rest of the work we are doing, so I'm good to stay. I love my bed. I nicknamed it "The Cloud" And, I love my routine. So between my vagabond lifestyle and trying not to get to lost in my own head, I've checked out.

Tomorrow is another appointment with Dr. Compassion. Another ultrasound to check heartbeat and measurement and then maybe a plan to talk about graduation.  Crazy. All of it.


  1. Good for you for developing that mantra. I don't know but I would assume one day at a time too, easy for me to say. You need a stress free environment. catch up later.

  2. My pregnancy with Drew was so carefree compared to Ella's. I believe once you have a miscarriage your subsequent pregnancies can never be the same because the worrying never ends. I don't think I took a deep breath & relaxed until Ella was in my arms.

    By the way, the rock & play is the best thing that they invented for babies! You can have ours as soon as I get Ella out of it.

    Sending all of my good thoughts your way.