35 weeks and not quite 35 days

35/35 - a big milestone in pregnancy. In plain English, it means that you are 35 weeks along in your pregnancy with only 35 days left to go. I realized this week, that I am 35 weeks, but due to my scheduled c-section... I have less than 35 days to go.

WOW.

This time is flying by and, as with anything related to the infertility world, comes with mixed emotions. I struggle with even putting this out there, lest I seem ungrateful. But from my heart, this is what I am feeling. I am feeling a mix of emotions that range from excited to nervous to scared to happy to sad. The closer I get to meet my sweet boy, the more I mourn the idea of this being our last pregnancy. I had a conversation with my mom the other morning and talked to her about this.  I know that in life, we get no guarantees and that no one is 'owed' anything. But the very idea of adding to your family in a non-medical and intimate way just feels right.  Its what we were taught would happen (especially in a Catholic School) Procreating by way of a team of specialists is hard and it takes a toll on one's overall outlook on pregnancy and fertility. Ok, at least it took a toll on mine.

Where am I going with this.... It is so hard to articulate. I am blessed and grateful beyond all belief that our Hail Mary attempt at IVF worked. But as this pregnancy is coming to a close, I find myself thinking about my two ectopic pregnancies and 2 embryos that never made it.  I wonder when I will feel closure with this chapter of my life. Will it be with the birth of Tiny T? Or will I always have a heavy heart when I think about our journey through the world of secondary infertility. I often think about what will help me gain this elusive closure? Is it fair to put the pressure of my needs on the birth of a baby? Will I one day gain acceptance about the idea of completing our family with two children. And as I even type out those words, I realize how greedy that makes me sound. The goal of fertility treatments is to end treatment with the birth of a healthy baby. I'm so close to the finish line but still struggle with all that we have been through.

I do believe that time heals all wounds, to a degree. I do believe this will be the case for me. I only have to look back at entries I made this time last year to see how different of a place I am in.  I am no longer in that dark place of uncertainty and anger. I am embracing idea of the arrival of my second child  and working through the other emotions. 

As I sit here, I can feel the baby kick. And I know, that I will never lose sight of the fact that this tiny movement is nothing short of a miracle.