Sunday, February 19, 2012

BFP = Big Fat Postive = Pregnant

Just kidding, kind of.

On this Sunday of President's Day Weekend, last year,  I had taken two home pregnancy tests and felt that my nerves were ragged after 3 months of negative home tests. Imagine that, feeling that sad after 3 months. It is a funny story, really. Because I had gone through about 6 of the super expensive digital tests, I went to the cheapie generic ones. Well, Sunday morning, I woke and tried the test. Wouldn't you know, it broke. I went about my day, looking at carpet, eating lunch at McDonald's (haven't been back there since) and thenI went to do my grocery shopping  and picked up a name brand $16 test.  Mr. T put Toddler T down for his nap, and we waited. Back to the ragged nerves, I couldn't even stand to look at the test. I handed it over to Mr. T and was honestly shocked when he said "Pregnant."

Pregnant. Ahhhh, Pregnant.

We had plans to celebrate my father in law's birthday that night and we were excited to once again have our own little secret. We were also excited to talk with Mr. T's brother and fiance about their wedding plans. It seemed like everything was falling into place for everyone. I felt content with my mild nausea while I held my Pinot Noir up to my mouth for my fake sips at dinner. I even imagined what style dress I might wear to the wedding. I made a mental note to browse the Pea in a Pod website while at work on Tuesday.

Then it changed. All of it. The online maternity dress browsing, the reviews of the best double strollers, the planning my life as a Stay at Home Mom. It changed when I heard the doctor say "Early ultrasound to detect viability." In a flash, I was reading every single article I could about miscarriage, threatened miscarriage, subchorionic hemorrhage, vanishing twin syndrome, HCG levels by week and anything else I could to try and understand what my body was already telling me. But I never ONCE came across anything about Ectopic Pregnancy. This fact haunts me to the day.  The idea of that pregnancy being possible ectopic fell off everyones radar. I even asked my doctor what she thought would have happened differently had I asked that question to the nurse. "Do you think it's an ectopic?"  I'll never know and she didn't say.

In the 365 days since I got the 2nd ever positive pregnancy test in my life, I then got a third and went through 3 surgeries, a dose of methotrexate and a blood transfusion. I have also had 2 attempts at IVF cancelled and a change in my doctor.

Other things have happened in this past 365 days. I got to realize my dream of being a stay at home mom to Toddler T. I have been able to enjoy so many things about his personality. I have had the opportunity to challenge some of my beliefs on Eastern vs. Western Medicine and have been pleasantly surprised with my reaction. I have learned to let some things roll off my back. 

I wish I had that crystal ball to know what I might be writing about 365 days from now. Will we remain our family of 3? Will we be successful in building our biological family? Will we move on to adoption?  I wish I had those answers because I'm anxious about how these next few months will go. March 16th was the day of the emergency surgery and April 24th would have been the due date of my 2nd ectopic pregnancy.  I just pray for the strength to deal with whatever may come as these next annivesary dates come.


  1. I know sometimes these obstacles seem so big, and the year has been rocky to say the least. But you still keep your priorities in check, are an amazing wife & mother...and a great friend.

  2. I have wished many many times for a crystal ball.

    You ARE strong though...and you will continue to be so.

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