When HOPE becomes a 4 Letter Word

Hope

I know I've written about this before, but I continue to struggle with this concept.  We had our 2nd opinion consult a few weeks back and I was really pleased with Dr. Neutral. I appreciated that he made no promises and as much as I want the Quick-Fix, I was OK, to reassess all options. In that appointment he talked about IUI and wasn't sure that I needed IVF. 

I'm educated. I enjoy reading research. I listened when he and the nurse both talked about my risk of a 3rd ectopic being between 8-12%.  I spoke with Mr. T's Aunt who happens to be a very level headed OB/GYN. Mr. T and I talked, we thought about risks and thought about a family of 4.  For a few weeks, it was nice to not be on the timeline of an IVF clinic. I felt a weight off my shoulders and I felt hope.

My instructions were to call when my cycle started or if that didn't happen, to call within two weeks. Last Monday was two weeks. I called, 7am bloodwork.  The nurse called, HCG was negative but progesterone was elevated. I asked what that meant. She answered it is highly unlikely that you are pregnant. (enter a tiny, tiny voice of hope). I know what highly unlikely means but I also know that it doesn't mean NOT.  She told me to wait a week and call back. 

So, I did. I thought to myself, wouldn't it be crazy if after 2 ectopics, 3 surgeries, 1 blood transfusion, two cancelled IVF cycles, a push to use donor egg and two doctors, my body pulled through?  

It would, right?

Because highly unlikely doesn't mean NOT.

My brain recounted the statistics that the average person has a slim chance of conceiving on any given month and that I am far from average. My brain signed up for a spinning class two times a week to try and lose some stress pounds before I tried to get pregnant. My brain had two glasses of wine at dinner on Saturday and threw out the coupons for 20% off baby items at Babies R Us.

My heart heard highly unlikely and allowed HOPE to creep back in. My heart guided my hands to search the Internet for due dates and came across one that would have given me a due date of November 2, the day before my birthday. My heart thought it would be a source of closure to go through a successful pregnancy with a parallel timeline to the loss of the first ectopic. 

My heart felt hopeful but my brain saw this coming. 

I called yesterday and felt a little bit of hope. I was to go back this morning for a repeat HCG. 

The nurse just called.

Negative.  

At this point, I'll take Provera and in a few more weeks, we'll get to all the testing and monitoring. 

Hope can be wonderful. It can be uplifting and inspiring. It can also hurt. Hope is personal and open to interpretation. We can convince ourselves that something will happen because we have a 'feeling' and that perpetuates the hope.  Hope can be a double edged sword in that it can lift you up and can bring you to your knees.

In the end, it was a nice few weeks without too much monitoring or stress. I'm grateful for that. Soon, I will jump back into the world of fertility treatments and I will be balancing hope and logic.