Below the surface

Today was a day I've been waiting for for a long time. Before I became a mother, I knew what I wanted in life. I wanted to be married. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to make cupcakes for school holiday parties. I wanted to come to recitals with my camera. I wanted to be able to stay at home with my child(ren) for as long as made sense. Today, I realized all of the big dreams and the small dreams were coming true.

I sat as, a mother, and watched my child in his first show. It was three songs. It was ridiculously adorable. He sang when no one else was and then was quiet when the other children were singing. He cracked me up and I took way too many pictures.

Today was good. Christmas is coming. Grocery list is complied.

So, why the sadness that is trying to peek through?

Because, our family is not yet complete. And right now there isn't a damn thing I can do to change it. We are in a waiting period before we can get back to IVF. Because, I'm less naive and know that IVF is not a guarantee.

I try not to go there, too often. But once in awhile, I hear... "What if?"

What if our 2nd attempt at IVF doesn't work? What if our family remains a family of 3? These questions don't deserve top billing in my brain, but they do creep to the surface.  I want them gone. I want to be past the uncertainty. I want to have a 20 second pity party and then move on.

And I will move on, because, today was a great day.

And Christmas is coming!

And I feel grateful for what I do have, with sprinkles on top.