Wednesday, January 4, 2012

And we're off

I started my day at the baby lab at 7:30am.  It was very dark and very cold when I left my house. Funny, I was kind of feeling the same.  I have been thinking a lot about this upcoming cycle and my conflicting emotions and a 45 min car ride at 6:45 am was just the time to address them.

I am not going to lie, I am dealing with an incredible sense of fearing the process and already dreading a negative outcome. 3 months ago, I went in for cycle day 1 blood work, left with a tentative calendar and a prescription for birth control. I left in a state of euphoria and hope. Finally after 9 months and two ectopic pregnancies, I  was leaving a doctor's appointment with hope and the belief that success was guaranteed. (To be fair, no one guaranteed me that success BUT I was doing IVF for tubal and not hormonal issues.)

Fast forward to last night, I am not feeling euphoric or hopeful. I am feeling anxious as I have the experience of being let down.  I could not sleep. I was feeling conflicted. I really and truly wanted to get this IVF show on the road.  Yet, I also found myself taking some comfort in the forced break. You cannot fail at what you cannot start. This forced break both infuriated and protected me.  And now, it was over. Cycle Day 1 was here. (Mother nature stepped in and helped this girl out). What I was waiting for and dreading was here.

How's that for a mixed bag?

Dr. said that if I did not succeed at this upcoming cycle, then he would have a very clear picture of what my overall chances of achieving a pregnancy via IVF would be.  (not good) Therefore, I look at this cycle as my 'best and final offer' cycle.

So, where I am I tonight?  It is once again dark and cold outside. But I am toasty under my most favorite brown blanket. I am still feeling a range of emotions. I am feeling vulnerable. I am feeling scared. I am feeling anxious.  I am about to find a fair or carnival and shake down the fortune teller for her crystal ball because God knows, I am not a patient person. But most importantly, I am feeling hopeful.  I am going to take the very real but negative emotions and attempt to put them in the backseat. I acknowledge that they are there... lest anyone think I am running around with visions of rainbows and cute little puppies in my head. But they cannot take over. They cannot be the drum beat that I hear. I will try and be positive. But then I have to not be so positive that I've named my additional offspring.

This is a tricky dance.

In the meantime, I will pray. I will take my baby aspirin and prenatal vitamins. I will put my faith in this new protoco (microdose flare)l. I will hang on tight to this bumpy ride. I won't take the baby name book out just yet, but will review the injection video on youtube. When you are paying cash for really expensive drugs, the last thing you want to do is screw up an injection. I did that in the first cycle. The only positive thing was that I got to use the phrase "I just flushed xxx amount of money down the toilet" and it was true. I literally flushed the improperly mixed meds down the toilet. I Will not make that mistake again.


  1. Geez! He SAID that! There are no guarantees in this process no matter what route you take. I think him saying that is a little weird, don't you?

    Hang in there, sistah...this shit is such a mindscrew.

    PS - I still can't believe this isn't covered by insurance in every single state. It infuriates me.

  2. Just thinking of you and saying some good lapsed Catholic prayers for you this month.

  3. Thinking of you and praying for strength. That balance of being hopeful and realistic is hard. Let those who love you hope the most for you

  4. ps - just sent an email to subscribe b/c i don't have a blog logon thingie to subscribe.