Toddler T is upstairs sleeping and I was just taking a minute to plan out my day tomorrow. It looks a little like this:
7am- bloodwork and ultrasound
9am- Tumble Bears
10:30-1:30 - Toddler T to Nanny's house so I can clean the house top to bottom
4pm- MOMS meeting at my house.
This all looked doable until I reviewed my medication inventory. Currently, I take 3 vials of Bravelle and 1 vial of Menopur along with the microdose Lupron, two times a day. For my dose tomorrow morning, I have 2 vials of Bravelle and 1 of Menopur. So, I'm short 1 vial of medication for my morning dose. CRAP. Math was never my thing. Ever.
Ok self- don't panic. I should be able to swing by the pharmacy after my early morning appointment. The one I made super early so that I could get back in time to take Toddler T to Tumble Bears. Right, well the pharmacy doesn't open until 8:30am. So I am getting up at the crack of dawn to rush to an appointment to sit and wait at a pharmacy and in the end will miss Tumble Bears.
Is this life shattering? No.
Irritating? Yes.
On the one hand, thank God for modern medicine. Without this specialty field of Reproductive Endocrinology, I have no idea if I'd be able to conceive a viable pregnancy. So I am forever grateful. But it is with a heavy heart that I walk through these steps of IVF. I continue to battle the idea of logically understanding the process but struggling emotionally with what that means.
Looking back, I was so lucky with Toddler T. Mr. T and I even kept my pregnancy a secret for 12 weeks. It was our seceret and that was a special thing to share. We knew what our plan was (I'm guessing others suspected) and I even drank mocktails at a coworkers' wedding so that no one suspected a thing. Now, everything is medicinal. I am following a care plan to conceive. I hope I'm not coming across as bitter and ungrateful, I am just sad to be losing the innocence and privacy of creating a child.
I can hear some of you thinking....
BUT YOU STARTED A BLOG
YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT THIS TO YOURSELF, IF PRIVACY IS WHAT YOU ARE AFTER.
And you would be correct. I did and I have no regrets of blogging AND sharing the link with family and friends. Why? This is so far from where I ever thought I'd be. The switch from a private affair between husband and wife was flipped with my second ectopic pregnancy. All of the rules changed and I suddenly had ZERO desire to keep this private. I think in sharing, some of the weight was lifted off my shoulders. But that's not to say, that if I could have had it my way..... Well, you'd never even know we were 'trying'.
I am amused by "tumble bears" You are such an amazing and strong woman, i know you sometimes don't feel strong or amazing but just know that you have so much love and support with you through your friends & family!!!
ReplyDeleteI really hear you on privacy... I hate that the process of conceiving our child, which I always wanted to be sort of magical and mysterious, has been taken over by so many clinical and detached third parties. I'm told there are advantages to an IVF conception, too - you have a picture of your child when they're still just a bunch of cells, and you can follow developments precisely at very early stages when other women might not even know they're pregnant. My hope is that you will be able to experience both, and tell us all about it someday!
ReplyDeleteUgh...I remember running out of meds and calling the pharmacy with panic in my voice! It's terrible.
ReplyDeletePrivacy went out the window fairly early in my process. What can I say? I'm an oversharer...it's unavoidable, but I think you'll be proud of what you went through eventually.