Sunday, March 18, 2012

Hope, My Frenemy

There has been a thread here between my a lot of my posts. I seem to vacillate between clinging to and walking away from hope. Today would be a day where I'm inviting Hope back to the party.

Last Wednesday was my follow up consult with Dr. Neutral to discuss our next steps. If you couldn't tell, I was feeling completely defeated following the discovery that my lone tube was 100% blocked. I just had this sick mantra going through my head.. Blocked Tube. High FSH. No Options. Blocked Tube. High FSH. No Options. I prepared for the consult. I read everything I could about High FSH and IVF protocols. I had my list of questions. I was ready.

Walking into Dr. Neutral's office puts me at ease. He stands up. Shakes my hand and Mr. T's hand and talks with us. He asks how we are holding up, laughs when I make my slightly inappropriate jokes and welcomes my questions. This is such a difference from Dr. M. as, I have this feeling that I am a part of the equation with an opinion that matters. We also got 45 minutes of his time compared to a 5 minute call from Dr. M.

This is when I sent Hope an evite to this next IVF cycle.  We have a plan and it looks completely different from the last two IVF attempts.  I'm going to start supplements (DHEA, melatonin and an antioxidant blend) and Metformin (believed to help improve egg quality). He seemed pleased with my weight loss (Ten pounds, and was so supportive of continuing with acupuncture. He's also comfortable with me adding wheat grass to bring down my FSH.

(Hope, are you coming back? I'm sorry I was angry with you last week. Please come back. Doesn't this sound different than anything else we heard?)

After all this discussion of complimentary therapy I was very anxious to get down to how this IVF cycle would be different from the previous two. What I'll be doing is avoiding anything that could suppress my fragile reproductive system. No birth control to start with. NO Lupron. NONE. This was music to my ears, because I hold Lupron responsible for the debacle that became my failed cycles. I actually suggested this to Dr. M and he just responded. "No." I then asked Dr. Neutral about using an estrogen priming therapy leading up to my cycle as it seems that I prematurely ovulated with the most recent failed attempt. Using an estrogen therapy has been shown to stop premature ovulation and we both agreed it was worth a shot. This approach is referred to as an Estrogen Priming Protocol and targeted for poor responders. 

Yes, this was good news. There was no guarantees given and we even talked about the next steps should this cycle not work. With that said, I truly believe I am about to give this cycle everything I've got.  Dr. Neutral and I are coming at this from every way possible. Mind, Body and Spirit.  And it feels different. I feel a sense of control and I feel well cared for.

So, Hope... sometimes I think you let me down and I've been tempted to never allow you back into my life. But let's give this one more shot, OK?


  1. Glad to hear you are giving it a go. Sometimes its just that little glimmer of hope that keeps us going!

  2. Hope is a very powerful thing... but so hard to hold onto sometime. So lovely that you got good news and that hope is returning for you :) xoxo

  3. Hope is a beautiful thing. I too am ttc, and Hope disappears momentarily every month with AF arrives.

    Have you by chance read the book The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova? It is a wonderful book that is chuck full of HOPE and suggestions for how to keep her around. I have her imagery CD's and I think they would work perfectly in this situation. The website is called Fertile Heart. It supports women ttc naturally and with medical intervention. I find the fertilty CD's and phone circles to be a Godsend to me and a well from which I draw from on difficult and HOPELESS days. Wishing you a BFP very soon!

  4. Here are two more helpful articles for you.

    1. Tracy, thank you so much for these links. They are great. I'll go see if my library has The Fertile Female, I can use some help staying positive.

  5. I am so interested in how this is going to go. He is really tailoring this procedure to your personal needs and that's what it's all about, right? Sounds like you made the perfect choice when changing docs too. Hang in there...hope will never leave, just hide behind doubt every now and then.