Working through the hurt...

Today, I needed the stars to align. Today, I prayed with every ounce of my soul for one small piece of good news. I pleaded. I promised to be a better person, a better mother a better everything. I begged for something positive to help me maintain my strength to go forward. 

I had my early morning appointment for blood work and an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed one follicle that was of decent size. Dr. Neutral even mentioned the possibility of an IUI on Thursday. I started crying and said "IF. IF my HSG is clear and IF the stars and the moon align. and IF I'm lucky."  I was so struck by the fact that he stopped and talked about what a difficult journey we'd been on and how there are a lot of IF's and how normal it is for me to be overwhelmed (read: crazy).  For a few minutes, I felt peace. I left and was looking forward to my HSG.

The test was done with another doctor from the practice. I laid in my gown on a CT scan table and stared at the ceiling. I realized then that I had forgotten to take my advil before the test. I hoped it would be quick. I've heard they are. I started to feel pressure. A Lot. I asked if it was normal and before I could hear the answer, the pressure was full blown pain. It felt exactly like the pressure you would imagine in trying to unclog a pipe when the sludge just wont move. Why did it feel that way?  Because that's exactly what was happening. My tube had completely scarred over from the previous ectopic removal. Did you know that 80% of woman who have surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy go on to heal with minimal scarring? Once again, I'm in the minority. 

Again, I started crying. Because it was validation of the fears I've been having all along. One more piece of evidence to show me that my body has failed me. And I cried, unashamed, on that CT scan table. Tears fell down my face as I numbly walked through the halls of a hospital I had never been to in an attempt try and find my way out. I sent 3 word text messages to Mr. T and my mom. TUBE IS BLOCKED. I got in my car and drove home. I cried for the two ectopic pregnancies and all the time this treatment has taken away from my family. I cried for the fear that I will not go on to have more children. I cried for myself, because now this feels too much. And then I said, out loud, "Why did You do this to me?" I wanted to take it back as soon as it came out. Then I realized that I felt better. 

I believe in religion and prayer. I believe in living a decent life and probably should go to church more. But, 12 months later, my faith is being challenged. I am struggling to remain optimistic and to believe that the T family can beat the odds. That with a climbing FSH level and 2 cancelled IVF cycles in my chart, I will once again be blessed with a baby.  

In two days we will meet again with Dr. Neutral. If I had to guess, I'd say we have the following options. Possible surgery to correct the damaged tube. Proceed to IVF with a different protocol. Proceed to IVF with egg donation. Contact an adoption agency.  I am drawing up a list of questions and have called my acupuncturist to help me with an herbal plan to reduce my FSH. I am spent. I am sad. But in my heart, I know I'm not done.