Sunday, April 22, 2012

If you need me, I've moved to Crazytown.

I thought Clomid was challenging... 
This two week wait business is enough to drive the sane, mad.
The amount of scholarly ridiculous research I've done on Dr. Google, MD, is embarrassing.

But in all seriousness, What's a girl supposed to do?

In the days following my egg retrieval, I felt calm. When we learned that all 3 fertilized, I felt relieved. I thought that we had a chance of beating the odds and getting a fair crack at pregnancy. Then we actually got the chance to do a pros/cons on embryo transfer and I was dumbfounded. I started to feel numb but grateful.  Relieved that we had crossed so many hurdles and maybe just a little excited for the future. But now, I am all over the emotional map. 

In the last two weeks I have been at my doctor's office 8 times. There were almost daily check-in's. I was doing something EVERY.SINGLE.DAY to promote pregnancy. Injections. Accupuncture. Supplements. Bed Rest. After this morning's blood work, I will not go back for another 7 days. And aside of 1 more accupuncture session and some supplements, there is nothing more to do. But wait. 

That is way too much time for my mind to wander. It leaves me entirely too much downtime to obsess over everything.  

Let me share all the thoughts I had while taking 15 minutes to prepare lunch today:

My stomach hurt, Was that pain from implantation?
How did I feel the week before I found out about being pregnant with Toddler T?
I wanted Chex-Mix and a Coke for lunch.
Do I want that today?
Oh, maybe I do, because my brain is psyching myself out.
What if this works?
What if it doesn't?
Is it time to say, When?
My progesterone level is 19. My Estrogen level is 204. 
Is that good?
(Runs to Internet... crap- why are other girls reporting higher numbers)
Are higher numbers better?
Should I switch to decaf?
This is going to work.
It might not.
I can beat the odds.
The odds are insurmountable.
Should I be thinking about names?
Did I loan my bouncy seat to anyone?
I think I should get things together for the consignment shop.
Hmmm, what would my due date be?
Back to the Internet to plug in due date based on 3 day transfer.

I am halfway until the finish line of this race and I'm not sure I am going to make it.  On the one hand, I so want to act like there is no reason to think that I will not get good news. On the other, I'm afraid of the hurt if invest too much time in imaging a pregnancy that never comes to be. Right now, it feels safe to follow up every positive pregnancy thought with a grim statistic. That is the rationale that lands a girl in Crazytown. 

Please feel free to share your tips for getting through this two week wait or any of the irrational thoughts that may have popped into your brain during this time.


  1. I hear ya. If my huband were to go on my laptop and look at the history of all the topics Ive googled during this 2ww he'd have me committed to a mental hospital. This morning I even thought my arms were weak and searched if that was a sign or a side effect of the progesterone. Ridiculous.

  2. The 2WW certainly is crazy town... I just tried to keep as busy as possible and distracted with as many non-ttc related things as possible.... Thinking of you and hope it passes quickly xoxo

  3. How can you be calm. Are you driving the bus to crazy town. I have no idea and please let me know if i can be a distraction.

  4. Sounds normal to me - countering the positive with the negative just to keep from getting your hopes up too much. I felt like that after my IUIs. Good luck, I hope this is the one!
    Here from LFCA.

  5. That sounds very normal... Day by day count it down. Try to do stuff that's distracting and think positive thoughts because nothing makes time go faster. At least for me. Good luck!!!