These past few days have been tough and emotional and draining. Emotions like these are not the best for a girl who can get anxious from time to time. I have been taking short breaths, afraid to fully exhale, afraid that if I disturb too much, I will be cancelled again. I know that to read this, it must sound crazy. But when you struggle with anxiety, every single small action, thought or feeling is magnified to a crazy level. When you hear good news and non-descript news, your brain flashes right over the positive and fixates on the negative. You lose sight and then the thoughts and the worries grow exponentially.
This is where I was yesterday. In my brain, I had my cycle cancelled. I googled until I could find enough 'scholarly research' to support my belief that there was no.chance.in.hell that I was going to make it to egg retrieval. I cried and felt defeated. I was alone with my thoughts and let them run wild. I was lucky that my mom wasn't at work and able to spend a good portion of Toddler T's nap time on the phone with me.
What kills me is the idea that this cycle will never be textbook. No doctor will ever look at my flow sheet and remark that I'm looking good. The theme has been more, "Let's see what we can do with this." I will never respond well to the medication and in turn produce only a small amount of follicles. I will never go into an Egg Retrieval anticipating double digit follicles. In fact, my doctor told me that he is only expecting between 2-4. It is exhuasting to constantly play the odds in my brain. Going into and Egg Retrevial with only 3 follicles, how many will be mature? How many will fertilize? How many will make it to 3 or 5 days? How many will take? Will they be viable? Will this work?
My brain hurts.
I am anxious and I am battle weary and have been desperate for something positive. I am also learning that I need to put the anxiety in its place. For right now positive is, that I went another day without getting cancelled. In a perfect world, I'd embrace this idea. But the reality is, I'm competitive. I like to win. I like to believe that if you follow the rules, you will be victorious. Unfortunately, infertility doesn't play by these rules. You can do everything 'right' and still walk away empty. I hate that.