Thursday, April 5, 2012

The Why's and What's

Why is this such an emotional roller coaster?
Why are so many women denied the opportunity to get pregnant on their own terms without a team of specialists?
What more to I need to prove?
What will happen if I'm cancelled again?
What if my best isn't good enough?

These are all questions I can't answer and it's clear to me that I am in the reflective stage of this IVF cycle. This is all too familiar, I start to have trouble sleeping. I begin to live my life in 72 hour increments. (The average time between doctor's appointments) I begin to google the hell out of statistics about IVF success with DOR, the estrogen priming protocol and poor responders. I feel the weight of the emotions and the subtle anxiety about the possibility of failure.

Then, I try my hardest to live the catch phrases that I've taught many families over the years. I keep coming back to the self-fulfilling prophecy. In a nut-shell, it can be summarized as follows. If you think you will succeed, you will. If you think you will fail, you will. I am trying to be hopeful. I am trying to believe that our story ends with a baby in our arms.  There is only one problem with this, I cannot will this to happen. If I could, I'd already be pregnant.

If you are reading this, may I be so bold and semi-entitled to ask you to;  Say a prayer. Light a candle. Make a wish. Call on a favorite Saint or other Deity of your choice and just ask for some extra strength and hope to be cast my way. Tomorrow is another appointment to track how my body is responding to the drugs and if history is my guide,  this is usually when the wheels start falling off my reproductive bus. 


  1. FXd and thinking of you for your appt... you're right - if you think you will succeed, you will - b/c your love and determination will get you there, even if you can't actually will this to happen. Love always xoxo

  2. Praying for your cycle! Sending lots of love and hugs! Stupid 2ndary infertility! Looking forward to seeing you and your DH being successful at adding to your little family!